Bonfire!

Alycia, Amy and myself at the beach bonfire on Saturday :D It was freezing there lol. I was wearing a tank and shorts .. uhhh <___<;;

Today, GKI celebrated their 17th anniversary. Even though I miss my old church friends, I've been able to grow so much here at EVC and hope that I can have a positive impact on these girls as well. I think I've found my new church home after years of not growing spiritually. ^____^ <333

le sigh

Last night I prayed asking for His help to be more independent from Justin. Sometimes I'm finding myself to be so unreasonably angry or sad whenever Justin is away. So pathetic. I thought I was doing well, but I had a mini break the other night when I played one of his games on FB and saw an old sign he made about his ex, and ALL thoughts about her flooded my mind. For some reason, it's so hard for me to think of the past and actually put it behind me. I trust Justin more than anyone else and I know things are mega serious between us, yet I still get queasy and nauseated thinking about our ghosts.

This morning, he told me that Celestica let him go. This may mean that he'll move back to Hercules again soon, even though he doesn't have a room or a bed there. Plus there's the distance. It's over an hour away from here - more like 1.5 hrs probably. I feel so selfish wanting him to stay, but won't it be better for him? And then there's his trip to the Philippines. I was going to go with him this summer, and it was perfect how he got a job, too .. But with this new development, he's probably going to leave earlier. ANd if he goes before I end work, then there's no way or reason for me to go there alone.

I wonder if I brought this upon myself. I really do want to be more independent but am too scared/lazy/whatever. Maybe this will be good?

Lonely

I really, really dislike being alone. Although often times I come across as very rash to people, I really can't stand to be left alone. Although I don't like getting into deep relationships with people and spending over a few hours together with most, when I'm home alone, I start to go crazy. This past week, I've been preparing my take home final exams - an essay on gender discrimination in academia, a lab report about the last few experiments we had in Molecular Biology, and a comparison essay for Cancer Biology. Tomorrow I have my last final in Molecular, so I'll finally be able to go do things! Friday's my only day off this summer since I start work on Monday ..

Anyways. I think it's definitely a revelation of God's design in us that I can't bear to be alone. He created us as social beings so that we could bounce off good ideas from each other and feel his presence among us when we're together. Since we haven't had youth group at EVC for a while, I'm feeling a bit of withdrawal, I guess. Speaking of EVC .. Justin may be moving here for the summer so that he can be closer to work. I'm really hoping he does, because then he can go to church with us and listen to the messages Pastor Tim gives us!

Fragile Loads

I'm basing this blog off of Fragile Loads on ODB. I think this is such a great reminder for us all to try to be as kind to people as possible. I know I have problems with this - I always assume I know everything about a person's situation and make judgments based on what I think I know. This also reminds me of the thoughts I've been having about people judging others. Even if you believe someone is sinning, I think you should still love them as Jesus would have. He loved sinners, talked with them, ate with them, etc. He himself says not to judge as we are not worthy. This is my policy now: love all and let Jesus do the judging.

This judging and assuming has gotten me in a lot of trouble in my past relationships with people I don't even talk to anymore. Even though the friendships are missed, I think it was a good wake-up call to how far I was from God and His word. Even though I'm still not over the conflicts we had in the past couple of years, I know that God is calling me towards Him. I know He wants to humble me. And after reaching what I consider pit bottom, He is restoring me. Since coming to EVC, I've been able to experience so much more of God. Pastor Tim today said that once people get to know God, then they start to love Him and to trust in Him more. I think I'm definitely on that path right now.

My forever necklace

This is the birthday present my parents gave me (: Now I know why it took them 2 hours to get to SF the other day, haha! I absolutely love it! I wish I could capture the brilliance of these diamonds, but they just don't want to be photographed, it seems! I now see why people are always complaining on how hard it is to take photos of diamonds! Anyways, now I've got my forever necklace. I'm one of those really lazy people who doesn't change up her jewelry every day. This is definitely the nicest piece of jewelry anyone's ever given me!

I also love how it's a cross! These past 8-9 months have been a bit strange as I embarked on a journey to rediscover my love for Christ. I'm still struggling even now, but I'm thinking of what Pastor Tim said one Sunday - the closer you get to God and His word, the more you realize you're a sinner. In the same way, I think I'm starting to really question things and I've been really confused lately because of the different "worlds" I live in - the spiritual, Jesus-y world versus the culture-of-death, earthly world. With politics and school and everything, I'm finding my faith challenged all the time. I still stand strong behind my belief that Jesus wants us to love and leave the judging to him. Didn't He himself say that? That we should love our enemies/neighbors, and that none of us are worthy to judge another?

Now that I'm growing up (I can't believe I'm 22?!?!?) faster than I want to, things are becoming tough. I'm finding myself in the same situation the older youth at GKI faced before. I don't belong with the high schoolers anymore, but college isn't really focused on. I'm not working yet and I'm not married with kids, so I don't belong with the adults either .. Last night I had a breakdown seeing all my friends graduating and being so successful. Some of them are even moving on to grad school this fall I: And what am I doing? I can't even read these scientific articles without my head spinning. People are also getting engaged, married, and having babies. I really want to start a family, maybe more than anything else. I know I'm not ready for it yet, but I really would prefer a long engagement anyways. Maybe in the next couple of years? /:

In the end, I should still just focus on what I'm doing now. I know God has a wonderful plan for me, and He won't let me down. I'm so grateful that He's been there for me all these years, even when I turned my back on Him. Thank you, Father, for keeping me in your sight for the last 22 years (: